[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
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I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Buck naked
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I don’t get marriage
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband