Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
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When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
how to have an accident 101
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping