Childbirth is so beautiful
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My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me