my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
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SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
This is my cat’s medicine.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.