We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
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Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Thoughts
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.