Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
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listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I drew y’all a little something.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.