Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
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[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Y’all ready for this
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car