Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
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Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.