We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
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I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.