50 shades of grey = my Liver
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The answer is funnier than the question
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.