Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
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I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Oh. My. God.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.