We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
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[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
i meant to share this earlier
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.