Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
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[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.