*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
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Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.