I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
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dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
My typo game is string.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue