I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
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I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.