My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
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Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.