Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
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COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay