Pee pressure > peer pressure
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Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
thank god
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”