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2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
I’m listening
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
welp
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Twitter remains undefeated
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership