Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
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Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
concern
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen