jesus, what did this guy do
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My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
My daily affirmation
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys