HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
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Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Kids, do not try this at home!