Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
You Might Also Like
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
This makes total sense…
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Thank you corporation very cool
me after eating Cheetos
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.