Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
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“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Everyone’s family
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool