[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
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Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.