To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
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Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Who chose this font
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.