If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
You Might Also Like
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
🥶🥶🐶🐶
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.