I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
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Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow