If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
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It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Milk Cube
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Succinctly put.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
guys i’ve cracked the code
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.