I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
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I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
What in the hipster hell is going on here