Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
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C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.