Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
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🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
HERE’S MARKY
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
This is the best one I’ve seen
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy