I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
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i smell a pulitzer
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
some things should go without saying
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.