Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
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Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh