rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
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Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Me recordaron éste meme
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.