My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
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Not all heroes wear capes….
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!