The Sun’s probably Asian.
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Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.