girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
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my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.