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Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Does your wife know you’re single?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”