Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
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I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce