Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
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When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god