“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
You Might Also Like
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.