Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
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Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
just gave your address to some spiders
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.