I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
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Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
just left a huge legacy in there
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync