Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
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I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
can’t catch a break
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.