[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
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FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money