I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
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I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
The Birdles
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi