I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
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Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.