[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
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When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit